How the Best Leaders Say Sorry
Could the key to increasing “employee engagement” be reducing “employee estrangement”?
As a CEO Coach to CEOs and Executive Teams, how to craft powerful apologies is one of the simple leadership skills I teach top leaders.
Could the key to increasing “employee engagement” be reducing “employee estrangement”?
As a CEO Coach to CEOs and Executive Teams, how to craft powerful apologies is one of the simple leadership skills I teach top leaders.
The humble apology is a powerful instrument, but it’s often neglected by leaders. Large corporations spend millions training people in communication skills and conflict management, but they rarely spend a dime teaching leaders how to say they’re sorry.
In so many companies, there are coworkers, business partners, and team members who no longer get along. They can’t even be in the same room together because of lingering resentment from things that were said or done in the past.
When I think about all of these broken professional relationships, I am reminded of the day I discovered the Japanese art of kintsugi.
Invented in the 15th century, kintsugi is a technique for repairing broken pottery using a special lacquer mixed with gold, silver, or platinum to put the pieces back together. What struck me as most interesting, was the way the artist visibly incorporates the repair into the design, rather than attempting to disguise it. The repaired piece is often transformed into something even more beautiful than the original.
What a great metaphor for relationships! How do we mend broken business relationships, in a way that they become stronger and more beautiful than the original?
With an apology.
But, an artful apology is not just a nonchalant word said passing in the halls or a post-it note placed on a monitor saying “Sorry”
An artful apology includes 5 specific things according to Gary Chapman’s Five Apology Languages:
EXPRESS REGRET
We tell children, “Say you’re sorry.” Words matter, so your apology needs to sound genuine. To do that, you need to make sure you actually are sorry. If not, dig a little deeper into your blind spots. An ideal apology includes an expression of genuine regret, but if you can’t get there emotionally, you can at least accept full responsibility for what you did. That’s the next best thing.
ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY
It’s also important that we accept responsibility for our actions. For many, it’s important to hear that the person who hurt us also says, “I was wrong and I take full responsibility for my actions.” When my children hit each other in the car, and I tell them to say sorry, their response is often, “But he hit me first!” To this, I calmly respond, “If a person hits us, we still have a choice whether to hit back. If we choose to hit back, we are 100% responsible for our decision to hit back.” Said another way, “Two wrongs don’t make it right.”
If the other person is not prepared to take full responsibility for their actions, how can we trust that they will change in the future? Which brings us to the next element of an artful apology.
COMMIT TO CHANGE
If you apologize without genuinely committing to change, the other person will think, “You say you’re sorry and want to change, but time will tell. I’ll believe it when I see it.”
A believable commitment to change includes up to three things: 1) a list of behaviors that one will start doing, 2) a list of behaviors that one will stop doing, and 3) a date by which this will happen (or a time at which we will talk about it again).
For example, “I’m sorry for arriving late to our meeting. I am going to ask my assistant to change my schedule to add 15 minutes between meetings. I am putting a reminder into my phone as we speak for 8 weeks from today to check in with you and confirm that I am honoring my commitment to you.”
MAKE AMENDS
Once we’ve expressed regret, it’s also important to communicate how we will make it up to the person that we hurt. Make it clear that you are willing to put some effort into mending the relationship.
It lends credibility and weight to your apology if you have already prepared a handful of suggestions to how you can make it up to the person. But if you don’t know the best way to make amends, just ask, “How can I make it up to you?”
If the person shrugs it off, consider asking, “Would it be OK if I think about it for a couple days and come back to you with a couple suggestions of how I can make it up to you?”
This really shows the person that you care.
REQUEST FORGIVENESS
This is the final element of an apology, and it’s also the most powerful. After expressing regret and taking full responsibility for what you’ve done, offering to make amends, committing to make a change, it’s time to ask, “Will you forgive me for hurting you?”
Here’s the hard part.
Too often, people say the words, “I forgive you” … but they actually haven’t.
If you’ve really wronged someone, it’s very likely that the person is not ready to forgive you. And it’s important that you leave the door open for that.
Here’s a suggestion of how to leave the door open for someone who isn’t ready to forgive, “I understand if you aren’t ready to forgive me. And if you aren’t, I also want you to know that’s OK. It’s understandable that you may want to see that I’ve acted upon my commitment to change or made amends before you forgive me.”
If you sense that the person is pausing, then they likely are not ready to forgive you… yet.
If that’s the case, here’s how to follow up:
“I understand. Can I follow up with you in 4 weeks to ask you again to forgive me after I’ve demonstrated my commitment to change and make amends?”
THE BEAUTY OF KINTSUGI IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
Every person places different value on each of the 5 elements of an apology. For some, the commitment to change is the most important. For others, it’s making amends.
Luckily, there’s a quiz that you can use to learn what types of apologies work best for you, and for the people around you. Subscribe to the blog and I’ll email you the quiz.
APOLOGY VS FORGIVENESS
Now, asking for forgiveness is different from granting forgiveness. Sometimes the person we need to forgive is ourselves. But we will cover “Why Forgiveness Belongs in Business” in a couple weeks. Subscribe and I will email it to you automatically.
Tags: ceo coach, leadership, employee engagement
The Woman Smarter than Steve Jobs
If you set out today to build a smartphone, you wouldn’t copy the original iPhone version 1.0 from 2007, would you? Why, then, do so many leaders try to emulate the Steve Jobs version 1.0 that was popularized in the Walter Isaacson's bestselling biography?
What if the Steve Jobs who fired people in elevators wasn't the one who created the iPhone?
If you set out today to build a smartphone, you wouldn’t copy the original iPhone version 1.0 from 2007, would you? Why, then, do so many leaders try to emulate the Steve Jobs version 1.0 that was popularized in the Walter Isaacson's bestselling biography?
What if the Steve Jobs who fired people in elevators wasn't the one who created the iPhone?
Ed Catmull, President of Pixar, worked withe Steve Jobs longer than anyone else. He had a 25-year professional relationship with Steve that began after the abrasive “version 1.0” Steve Jobs was fired from Apple in 1985. According to Ed, Steve Jobs changed a lot over the years, due in large part to one woman.
In his book, Creativity Inc., Ed put it this way:
“In the time I worked with Steve [after he was fired from Apple]…he became fairer and wiser, and his understanding of partnership deepened—in large part because of his marriage to Laurene.”
The woman smarter than Steve Jobs was his wife, Laurene.
Laurene was the chief developer behind Steve Jobs version 2.0, adding a key “must have” feature that the previous version of him lacked. What was that key feature?
Emotional intelligence.
Laurene Powell Jobs was the emotional genius yin to Steve's technical genius yang.
In 1997, six years after he married Laurene, Steve Jobs version 2.0 rejoined Apple, and it was Steve Jobs 2.0 who transformed Apple into the world’s most valuable tech company by 2010.
Sometimes, CEO coaching benefits the CEO's spouse nearly as much as it benefits their business.
Often, when CEOs come to me for coaching, I find it was their spouse or significant other who suggested it. Even though these CEOs are brilliant and talented, they sometimes lack the emotional intelligence to see the need.
I can relate.
I was the same way for many years.
As an analytical software developer myself, it took me a long time to develop emotional intelligence. Even though I’d read the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman in 1997, I didn’t fully understand what it was trying to say until nearly twenty years later. Through my experiences as a CEO, I finally realized that it’s about being in tune with other people.
I work with CEOs of companies that employ lots of engineers, software developers, and other analytical personalities, so I see this struggle a lot. I call these types "Emotional Einsteins", which refers to a person who is emotionally unavailable and overly analytical in their approach to relationships—a type of person that is very common in industries like technology, construction and finance.
Steve Jobs in his early professional life may well have been a quintessential Emotional Einstein, but he changed. I doubt Jobs intended to be dismissive and brusque in the early years of his career. Based on my personal experience, and my coaching work with numerous CEOs, I would guess that Steve Jobs had no idea how he came across. He probably thought of himself as a fair boss, a decent leader that everyone loved.
His wife, Laurene, was able to help him see aspects of himself that he’d overlooked, and, as a result, he grew as a person and became a much more effective leader.
How Logical Leaders Learn Emotional Intelligence
So how can an Emotional Einstein develop emotional intelligence? I believe one key to emotional intelligence is being able to describe the emotions you’re feeling at any given moment. When I was in marriage counseling, the therapist would ask me, “What are you feeling right now?” Many times, I couldn’t answer. I was incapable of identifying the specific emotion I was experiencing. I had broad, categorical words for emotion, but I had to learn a more specific, nuanced language.
Learning a vocabulary to describe my feelings was a big part of my personal growth.
Being able to describe our feelings precisely enables us to communicate better, but it also helps us understand other people. If you can’t identify sadness or disappointment in yourself, it will be harder to recognize it in others.
I used to block my own emotions. “I don’t feel stress. I don’t feel anger. I don’t feel hurt.” In the past, people have said hurtful things to me and then expressed amazement that I didn’t react.
“Dude, are you impervious to being hurt?”
If this sounds good to you, it isn’t. It’s destructive and dangerous, but we’ve built up an image of the powerful CEO who can withstand any criticism or negative feedback without flinching. When we create these tough outer shells, we insulate ourselves from basic human emotions and lose the ability to understand how our words and actions affect others.
What is the Primary Emotion?
Many psychologists say anger is a secondary emotion that emerges from other primary emotions. The most common sources of anger are fear, hurt, and sadness.
When a boss gets mad at an employee for failing to follow instructions, I believe another emotion lies at the root. That boss might approach the employee and say, “I’m pissed off that you dropped the ball on this proposal. It was supposed to go to our biggest customer!” The employee responds in fear—cowering, making excuses, or just disconnecting from the leader because they expect to be fired. This is not healthy motivation.
Imagine an alternative.
What if the boss was able to reflect on his feelings and realize, “My anger comes from fear. I’m afraid that if we lose our biggest client, I’ll have to make company layoffs?” Or maybe the boss would realize, “I’m afraid we’ll fail to meet our objectives, and I will look bad to all of my employees because I won’t be able to give any raises.” This is a valid fear, especially in a small company. A cash-flow crunch can make it hard for a small company to make payroll.
When you’re afraid for your company, your employees, or yourself, it often manifests as anger toward the people under you, but if you understand the core emotion, you can deal with it differently.
Instead of lashing out at the employee who let you down, you might tell the deeper truth. “Look, the truth is, I’m afraid. We needed that proposal to go through, so we can afford some of the investments we’re making for growth.”
Instead of cowering, disconnecting, or getting defensive, the employee will feel connected to you. You should want your team members to feel connected to you, and you should want to feel connected to them. Honest emotion creates those connections.
I’ll be writing more in the future about how logical leaders learn emotional intelligence, so subscribe to get updates.
Tags: Insider, ceo coach, leadership, emotional intellingence, employee engagement, executive coach
Silicon Valley has idolized Steve Jobs for decades—and it’s finally paying the price
Steve Jobs has been called the greatest businessman the world has ever seen and the best CEO of this generation.
But he’s also the same man who would allegedly yell at people for 30 minutes straight, cut in front of his employees at lunchtime, berate hospitality and restaurant staff, park in handicapped spaces, said all HR personnel have a “mediocre mentality,” and told his staff how much they “sucked.”
Click to view this article as it was originally published on the international publication quartz.com
Steve Jobs has been called the greatest businessman the world has ever seen and the best CEO of this generation.
But he’s also the same man who would allegedly yell at people for 30 minutes straight, cut in front of his employees at lunchtime, berate hospitality and restaurant staff, park in handicapped spaces, said all HR personnel have a “mediocre mentality,” and told his staff how much they “sucked.”
Whether it’s the 19th-century railroad industrialist George Pullman or Mr. Spacely from The Jetsons, CEOs have always been a surly bunch. But in recent years, it seems that being an asshole has become an aspirational trait.
It’s no wonder. Walter Isaacson’s biography Steve Jobs didn’t just create a Hollywood hit: It created a manual for any bosses seeking a hall pass for their temper tantrums. Along with recounting Jobs’s blistering behavior and his “perverse eagerness” for putting people down, Isaacson remarks that “people who were not crushed ended up being stronger” and that those employees who were most abused by Jobs ended up accomplishing things “they never dreamed possible” thanks to his harsh treatment.
In other words, it’s okay to tell your employees that their work is shit and to park your Mercedes across two handicapped parking spaces—as long as the end result is a successful product.
No wonder we now have people like Uber CEO Travis Kalanick and Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos making numerous headlines for their tempestuous behavior. Several Uber executives have left the company, while investors have publicly criticized Kalanick, saying that there are “toxic patterns” in the Uber workplace. Meanwhile, Amazon has a reputation for being a “bruising workplace,” the kind of office where people regularly break down at their desks, and where grown men leave the conference room with their faces covered to hide their tears.
Silicon Valley decided that internet connectivity matters more than human connectivity.
Somewhere along the way, it seems that Silicon Valley decided that internet connectivity matters more than human connectivity; that a surfeit of technical intelligence can make up for a dearth of emotional intelligence. After all, if it worked for a genius like Jobs, it can’t be that bad.
Except it is. While this management style might work in the short-term, employees can’t flourish for long under a narcissistic, demanding boss. As recounted in the Isaacson’s biography, Jobs’s acid tongue eventually caused his employees to burn out. After working 10 months of 90-hour workweeks, one employee finally quit in exasperation after Jobs walked into the room and told everyone how “unimpressed” he was with what they were doing. Apple co-founder Steve Wozniak said “some of the most creative people in Apple who worked on the Macintosh” left the company and refused to ever again work for Jobs again. Because of Jobs’ nasty temper, Apple lost out on impressive talent.
New research bears out these experiences. Studies have shown that hyper-critical leadership not only leads to unmotivated employees and office in-fighting but can also lead to serious issues like depression, high blood pressure, weight gain, substance abuse, and even premature death.
But can we really blame Jobs for this legacy of emotionally lethal (and perhaps literally lethal) work environments?
“Managers who try to emulate Mr. Jobs by just being rude or aggressive are missing the point,” Issacson says. “Mr. Jobs was striving for perfection.” But within this justification lies the problem. Of course Jobs wanted perfection—all CEOs do. But why is bullying considered an effective, let alone acceptable, way to motivate your team to perfection? Jobs was famous for the way he would obliterate his staff, often in public, which maximized their humiliation by making it a spectacle rather than a private affair. Are we to believe that shaming employees is what made Apple great?
Recent research on shame and the devastating impact it can have on a person’s motivation, creativity, and behavior would say otherwise. Shame has been linked to depression, alcoholism, obesity, violence, and even recidivism in inmates. As author and shame researcher Brené Brown says, “Shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.”
It’s simple: The worse we feel about ourselves as people, the less we are able to make good choices and perform to our highest potential. Making your employees feel terrible about themselves isn’t just an ineffective leadership tool: It’s also just plain lazy. It takes no special skill to scream at someone, and it’s easy to lash out when you are angry or disappointed. But to lead with dignity, composure, kindness, and self-awareness? That takes effort. That takes maturity. And it doesn’t come naturally to most of us.
Whether or not it comes easily, emotional intelligence ought to be the foremost requirement for our companies’ leaders. These skills can be taught, CEOs can change, and we can demand better. A boss in Silicon Valley who isn’t an asshole? Now that would be “thinking different.”
Here's Why the CEO'S Marriage Matters
A study from the National Bureau of Economic Research shows that CEOs who are not married make more aggressive and volatile choices as leaders than their married peers do. The research shows that investing in firms led by an unwed CEO is a riskier investment than investing in firms with a married CEO.
However, I believe that the quality of a leader’s marriage should also be closely considered by investors.
A study from the National Bureau of Economic Research shows that CEOs who are not married make more aggressive and volatile choices as leaders than their married peers do. The research shows that investing in firms led by an unwed CEO is a riskier investment than investing in firms with a married CEO.
However, I believe that the quality of a leader’s marriage should also be closely considered by investors.
Why? Well, while research shows that being married is good for your career (as it comes with higher paychecks and increased promotions), it can also be difficult to manage a work/life balance when you are married and have children. And, if your marriage is faltering, it’s going to take a huge toll on your performance at work, especially if you are the CEO.
That is why wise investors should care if their CEO’s marriage is on the rocks.
As a CEO coach, I have witnessed the toll that a divorce can take on a CEO’s focus and their ability to be present and forward-thinking while on the job. Many leaders make a last-ditch attempt to spend more time at home and focusing on their marriage, so not only are they not emotionally present, they are also physically absent as they spend more time in counseling or on family vacations. Sadly, it’s often too little, too late, and the CEO then becomes further distracted by divorce proceedings and custody issues.
And when a CEO's marriage fails, it could spell trouble for the investors in more concrete ways as well. Let's say the CEO in question is a founder who owns 30% or more of the shares. A divorce can force a CEO to add an unfriendly shareholder – their soon-to-be-ex spouse-- or they may have to divert time away from growing the business in order to do fundraising to buyout their ex during a divorce settlement.
So what should investors do?
While you can’t pry into your CEO’s marriage, you can help to encourage a strong work/life balance, and you can help to encourage a family-friendly culture where spouses and children are seen as a vital part of the organization. You can also include perks like on-site counseling or exercise centers to help motivate people to make healthy habits and de-stress before they head home. The goal is to create a workplace environment that encourages positivity and mindfulness, both on the job and at home.
Working with an executive coach can also have a tremendous impact.
CEOs who partner with a professional coach often find the benefits reach well beyond their initial expectations. While most who enter an executive coaching program do so for career-related purposes, they frequently discover the results have a significant positive impact across multiple areas of their lives.
The self-awareness and leadership skills gained through executive coaching pave the way for improvement in business, but also tend to make us better spouses, parents, and generally a better, happier, more centered version of ourselves.
Landmark New Study Identifies the Key Qualities of the World's Best CEO'S
Ever wondered what makes a good boss?
Ever wondered what makes a good boss?
You might expect that a highly effective leader would have an Ivy League education, or at the very least, an impressive educational background. Or you might think that the best CEOs would be very confident and outgoing.
But recent study says otherwise. Researchers followed over 17,000 C-suite executives for 10 years in order to find and identify the top skills which make a CEO successful. The findings, which were published in Harvard Business Review, turned out to be quite surprising.
It turns out that things like a Harvard education or a charming personality have very little to do with whether or not a CEO is a good leader. Only 7 percent of the highest performing CEOs had an Ivy League background, and as for confidence, a CEO’s self-esteem had no proven impact on their ability to grow their company.
In my experience as a CEO Coach and former CEO of a 3,000% growth tech company, here's a sampling of the qualities that the highest performing CEOs have in common:
They knew when to shut up. You might think that the world’s top leaders would be gregarious, talkative extroverts, but the study findings showed otherwise. In fact, the researchers found that introverts tend to make the best CEOs. I think this is probably because introverts tend to need less external validation. They don’t need to be the smartest guy in the room or to have all eyes on them. In return, this gives their team a chance to shine, which means they can make the most of their staff’s intellect and experience
They don’t problem-solve – they problem-find. Many bosses think that their job is to fix problems. They spend their time and energy running around all day and putting out fires. However, a truly gifted leader does not solve problems for their staff. Instead, they step back and take a bird’s-eye view of each department and its functions. This allows them identify patterns in the workplace and to find out where improvement and innovation is needed. They then delegate the problem-solving to the appropriate employees and trust in their ability to perform.
They realize how much they matter. Nothing sets the tone for a workplace like a boss. This is hugely powerful lesson that employers everywhere need to learn. When you walk into your office, you are impacting everyone around you in an immediate and immeasurable way. Your attitude is directly inspiring not only how hard everyone is working, but also how creatively they think and how cooperatively they act.
They are comfortable being uncomfortable. You might think that it is wise to avoid areas where you don’t feel as experienced, but those are exactly the areas that could end up being the key to your success. The best CEOs are comfortable being uncomfortable. For some, that might mean going to an anger management class. For others, that might mean spending the days on the sales floor and making cold calls for the first time in decades. A true leader isn’t afraid to risk failure, because they know that the only true failure is refusing to admit one’s flaws.
These are just a few of the attributes that top executives share. Of course, it goes without saying that succeeding in business involves much more than possessing a few seemingly simple soft skills. The thing is, for most of us, these qualities do not come to us naturally. They are skills to be learned, but once mastered, they become a key leverage point for multiple areas of positive growth.
Stop Emailing Your Employees to Say "Thank You"
stop-emailing-your-employees-to-say-thank-you
A new study performed by AttaCoin has found that 47 percent of employees say that they do not feel appreciated by their employer. And only 41 percent of employees felt that their managers effectively reward staff members who do a stellar job.
Feeling unappreciated might sound like a minor complaint, but in fact, research shows that when employee efforts are not acknowledged, workers become disengaged and easily go off task. They also require more compensation for the same work, as they seek financial appreciation when emotional appreciation is unavailable.”
So how can employers keep their staff engaged?
The AttaCoin study showed that a simple ‘thank you’ from their supervisor was very important to employees, and it also showed that a private, one-on-one conversation meant much more to workers than a big, public thank you. This is because employees really want to feel a human connection with their boss, especially in a world where nearly everything happens over e-mail, Skype, social media, etc. While emailing your employee a “Good job” can suffice, if you really want to get the most of the interaction, make sure it happens in person.
When giving a thank-you, remember eye contact and body language. You need to be sure you aren’t just looking at your employee. You should be seeing them, whole-heartedly validating their efforts and their unique gifts. It is going to take some practice, as positive feedback doesn’t come naturally to most employers, but it is a key leadership skill to learn.
Managers can also benefit from old-fashioned forms of communication, like hand-written thank you notes. It’s such an easy, simple gesture, but it holds a great deal of weight. I know some people who have saved thank-you notes from their bosses for years. It’s something that is very meaningful, and it costs much less than handing out a raise to keep employees invested.
Here's a suggestion: Keep a small package of blank cards in your desk, and make it a goal to see that package empty by the end of the business year. Don’t think you have to wait until an employee does something super-human before you write a small thank-you note. It can be as simple as doing a fine job on a project or staying late to help complete a deadline. Thank you’s are free, so don’t hoard them…spread them around and let them fertilize your workplace with gratitude, motivation and creativity.
Why CEO's Should Take a Pay Cut
Revealing the highest-paid CEOs in the country. CEO of Charter Communications, Thomas Rutledge, tops the list, earning $98M a year. (The average Charter employee makes $40,000 annually.) Many people are left wondering: Are CEOs being paid too much?
Revealing the highest-paid CEOs in the country. CEO of Charter Communications, Thomas Rutledge, tops the list, earning $98M a year. (The average Charter employee makes $40,000 annually.) Many people are left wondering: Are CEOs being paid too much?
Most CEOs see their large paychecks as a fair trade for the excessive amount of work they put into their company. As a CEO who traveled 150 days a year and spent most of my waking hours obsessively growing my company, a big paycheck felt like my solace for all the things I missed—the kids’ softball games, the family dinners, etc. But, after a few years, I began to realize that my paycheck wasn’t making up for that stuff, and additionally, it wasn’t helping my company to grow. I was trying to do everything myself, and I was burning out quickly.
I finally found that I needed to change the way I approached my salary.
I realized that I could take home $500K every year and not have a personal life, or I could take home $200K and hire a strong second in command for $300K. Doing so not only dramatically reduced my traveling and allowed me to be more available to my kids, but it also meant that I had more brainpower and more innovation on my team. I wasn’t trying to do it all. I had a co-pilot who could help me build my company and offer unique insights that I might have missed.
Revealing the highest-paid CEOs in the country. CEO of Charter Communications, Thomas Rutledge, tops the list, earning $98M a year. (The average Charter employee makes $40,000 annually.) Many people are left wondering: Are CEOs being paid too much?
Most CEOs see their large paychecks as a fair trade for the excessive amount of work they put into their company. As a CEO who traveled 150 days a year and spent most of my waking hours obsessively growing my company, a big paycheck felt like my solace for all the things I missed—the kids’ softball games, the family dinners, etc. But, after a few years, I began to realize that my paycheck wasn’t making up for that stuff, and additionally, it wasn’t helping my company to grow. I was trying to do everything myself, and I was burning out quickly.
I finally found that I needed to change the way I approached my salary.
I realized that I could take home $500K every year and not have a personal life, or I could take home $200K and hire a strong second in command for $300K. Doing so not only dramatically reduced my traveling and allowed me to be more available to my kids, but it also meant that I had more brainpower and more innovation on my team. I wasn’t trying to do it all. I had a co-pilot who could help me build my company and offer unique insights that I might have missed.
5 Ways to Save Your Business Partnership Before it's Too Late
When business partnerships flounder, companies can take a major hit. A CEO’s relationship with his business partners and his executive staff such as his second-in-command set the tone for his company’s success.
When business partnerships flounder, companies can take a major hit. A CEO’s relationship with his business partners and his executive staff such as his second-in-command set the tone for his company’s success.
Many CEOs wait to fix their failing relationships until it is too late. After years of battling, what generally ends up happening is that the executive employee quits in frustration or the business partner bows out of the relationship. Then, the CEO is left scrambling to fill the position or find a new partner. They would save themselves tons of time, energy and frustration if they would merely work to preserve those relationships in the first place.
Here is my best advice for CEOs struggling with failing relationships in the workplace:
Celebrate successes together. When an employee or a business partner does something positive, whether it’s a momentous accomplishment or a small positive act, make sure that you shine a light on that achievement. I always tell my clients: Catch your employees doing something right.
Find the gift in their failings. No one is perfect. Maybe your business partner is terribly unorganized. It’s easy to focus on that failing and become very frustrated with them. But I challenge my clients to find the gift in their partner’s failings. Okay, so maybe he’s disorganized. Perhaps this is because he’s someone who thinks outside the box, someone who’s a visionary and an innovator.
Stop trying to change them. Don’t go into a partnership planning to change what you don’t like about your business partner. Growth and change is possible, but it has to come from the inside, not from being badgered and criticized. Accept where you are currently with your partner and set goals for moving forward, but don’t get caught up in the blame game or fault-finding.
If you spot it, you got it. The qualities that most annoy you in other people are almost always the qualities that you also struggle with. For example, if you hate that your business partner is overly sensitive, it could be that you also have that quality of being defensive and easily offended. Together, you can actually help each other to face this quality and find out where the issue could be stemming from.
Choose self-awareness over self-protection. Look at the ways where you might have screwed up, Ask yourself what areas you most need to work on. You may even use a survey tool so that your employees can give you feedback on your leadership and management style. Be willing to work on yourself and accept the reality of your own imperfections. This is the only way that true growth can happen.
5 Things Most CEO's Could Do Better
A recent study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that CEOs who ask for feedback on their management style and effectiveness are more likely to have confident team members and an improved bottom line.
A recent study published in the Journal of Organizational Behavior found that CEOs who ask for feedback on their management style and effectiveness are more likely to have confident team members and an improved bottom line.
The findings of this study line up with what I have been telling my clients for years. When CEOs are willing to be vulnerable and open themselves up to possible negative feedback, amazing growth can happen.
Here, are 5 other things that CEOs could do to improve their bottom line:
Don’t fudge on culture. Workplace culture is not something that leaders used to discuss. But now, if you want to secure and retain top talent, your workplace has to be appealing. It’s about more than just a paycheck these days. Employees want a workplace that is civic-minded, supportive, and inclusive to all genders, religions and ethnicities. To that end, employers have to work to create a culture that feels safe, welcoming and progressive.
Stop managing for the next quarter. Be here now. That is the best advice that I can give to CEOs who are trying to create powerful and lasting change in their environments. For example, ask yourself, ‘What is one thing I can do right now, today, to motivate my employees or improve our company’s morale?’ Think in the now.
Let others lead too. “If you’re always talking in meetings, you’re only ever going to hear your own ideas. And you’re going to walk out of the room thinking, ‘I am the guy who has all the ideas around here.’ It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. You do all the talking, so you wind up only hearing your own voice and assuming other people don’t have ideas. But, I assure you they do. They just need a platform and permission to speak those ideas into existence.
Limit your number of initiatives. Mindfulness is key when it comes to manifesting your goals. But it is hard to be mindful when you have too many irons in the fire. Focus on just 2-3 priorities every quarter and make those initiatives visible and frequently discussed among your team members.
Ask questions, and listen. Instead of giving people the answer you want, ask open-ended questions and let them find their own way. This is the only way you can help your employees develop and grow. Talk less, observe more, and hear everything.
The Real Reason Leaders Don't Listen
“Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him.” ~ Wesley Snipes, “White Men Can’t Jump”
“Look man, you can listen to Jimi but you can't hear him. There's a difference man. Just because you're listening to him doesn't mean you're hearing him.” ~ Wesley Snipes, “White Men Can’t Jump”
Most of the CEOs I work with have a few things in common. They want to grow their businesses, develop their teams, and become stronger, more successful leaders. Many of these CEOs also realize a common key issue that had been holding them back: their listening skills.
Such was the case with a client who, for the sake of this blog, I will call “Joe*.” Joe was the CEO of a tech company that he was struggling to grow past 50 employees. He was overwhelmed and unsure how to lead his staff to develop the crucial qualities needed to take the company to the next level. He found himself increasingly frustrated with a couple of his key people and he was beginning to wonder if the company was outgrowing them.
In one of our meetings, Joe seemed a bit out of sorts after a project had gone off the rails. He then confessed to me that he just had a huge argument with his wife, brought on because she said he “never listens” to her.
In speaking with Joe, I learned that ‘not listening’ was a common complaint he heard from many people in his life, from his employees and peers, to his wife, children, and friends. I could tell the complaint frustrated him. He was a successful CEO with high growth potential. He thought himself to be a good communicator. He had always been smart and was well educated – a lifelong learner.
Joe was the kind of guy who, when he set a goal for himself, he met it. Yet, after years of reading titles like, “How to Listen,” and “5 Steps to Listening Better,” and even working on his listening skills in marriage counseling, Joe still got feedback that he didn’t listen.
Why was he still getting criticism on his listening skills?
One of the most rewarding parts of my CEO coaching work is seeing the look on CEO’s face when I ask the question that brings them to the Aha! moment – the one that solves a problem they’ve been working on for months, sometimes even years.
It wasn’t until I asked Joe the question below that he began the path to listening more. I would like you to ask yourself this question too.
I opened with a bit of background: “Back when I was a CEO, I had a wise CEO coach who once told me, ‘There are only two reasons why someone doesn’t do something. Either they can’t do it, or they won’t do it. If they can’t, they don’t have the ability, or the skills. If they won’t, they don’t have the desire or will.’”
And then I asked the question, “So, why don’t you listen? Is it because you can’t listen – meaning you don’t know how to listen? Or is it because you won’t listen – you don’t want to listen?”
Joe went silent for a few seconds and, as the Aha! moment came across his face, he said sheepishly, “Well, I guess it’s because I don’t want to listen.”
This revelation was massive. Joe was finally ready to admit that, deep down, he believed that his own ideas were the best; that, as CEO, it was his job to have the best ideas.
So, while Joe might have often said, “I want to listen to my employees,” he was giving off energy that said otherwise. He was mentally checking out whenever anyone else was talking. Rather than being present and hearing what was being said in the moment Joe was formulating all the things he was going to reply.
Sound familiar?
This is the first of a multi-part series on communication and becoming a better listener. In the coming weeks, I am going to share with you the five most common reasons why leaders don’t listen and how to overcome them. In the final post, we will wrap up how to overcome the common obstacles to changing from a ‘teller’ to a ‘listener.’
The first step on this journey is relatively simple. It is also the most important. By doing this one thing, you are well on your way to becoming a better listener not only in the boardroom, but in the bedroom, as well.
Step 1: You have to put your ego away.
You have to admit to yourself: “Part of the reason I am not a good listener is because I assume I already know the answer.”
You have to confess the role that your own ego has played in your lack of ability to hear the people around you. Because I assure you, it certainly has. Anytime someone comes to me as a CEO and says, “Krister, I need to become a better listener,” what they are really saying (even though they don’t yet realize it) is, “Krister, when other people talk, I am too busy/too self-involved/too cocky/too insecure to listen.”
Ouch. I know. It hurts to admit that. It’s not fun to look back and see the places in our lives where we have screwed up and let people down. I know that firsthand, because I had to go through that same growth process myself.
Let’s face it: When you say you are a bad listener, you probably aren’t saying that there is something wrong with your hearing. You’re not physically incapable of listening. So, if your body is there, and your ears are working just fine, why is it that you still aren’t listening?
Consider the possibility that there may be a part of you that doesn’t actually care to hear what other people have to say; a part of you that is afraid that if you listen to other people, then you won’t be in control. You won’t be seen as the smartest guy in the room.
So, are you ready to start the journey to becoming a better listener?
C-Level Listening: The Beliefs and Behaviors that Make Executives Bad Listeners
Listening. We do it every day. It’s innate. Listening isn’t something we have to think about… it’s something we just… do. Right?
Wrong.
Listening. We do it every day. It’s innate. Listening isn’t something we have to think about… it’s something we just… do. Right?
Wrong.
Sure, to some degree, listening is natural and automatic. We are aware of the many sounds around us - dogs barking, horns honking, chatter from nearby strangers. We receive information and engage in conversations. But are we really paying attention as well as we could be? More often than not, the answer is ‘no.’
Studies have shown that the majority of us are actually not great at listening. Listening is not an intrinsic ability; it is a skill to be mastered – and an important one, at that. Communication breakdowns as a result of poor listening cause misunderstandings, mistakes, and missed opportunities, and often lead to major conflict in relationships. This is as true in business as it is in our personal lives.
Listening effectively can be a challenge no matter how intelligent, educated, or successful the individual. In fact, as I discussed in the first blog of this series, ‘The Real Reason Leaders Don’t Listen,’ poor listening skills are often among the most common areas CEOs and other high-ranking business leaders need to improve. As its title suggests, my previous blog also identified the primary issue at the root of most listening problems: our egos. We don’t fail to listen because we can’t, we don’t listen because, whether we realize it or not, we don’t want to.
Figuring out the underlying reason for a problem is the first step toward fixing it. Now let’s break this ego thing down a little further.
The Two Bs
Helping my leadership clients develop a desire to listen requires us to journey into the psyche and resolve some deeply rooted stuff. To do this, we must focus on two main areas: Beliefs and Behaviors. In that order.
If we do not first address the underlying beliefs that cause a leader to not WANT to listen, there is no amount of training on the skills – the behaviors – that will resolve their listening problems.
Governing Beliefs
Typically, C-level executives have at least one of the following three false beliefs that keep them from listening:
False Belief #1: Many business leaders believe that they don’t have time to listen. They believe it’s faster or more efficient to tell people what to do.
False Belief #2: Often, those at the top think it’s their responsibility to solve the problems. Executives who fall into this trap believe the boss’ job is to be the “Chief Problem Solver.”
False Belief #3: Some leaders think they are the smartest person in the room. They believe they are more educated, more experienced, or that they have better, more valuable ideas.
Behavioral Confirmation
What we believe shapes our behaviors. And when we behave according to our beliefs, we tend to produce results that confirm our initial beliefs. Catch-22. Cycle, repeat.
This is a type of self-fulfilling prophecy known as “behavioral confirmation.” The good news is this interwoven cycle works in positive ways, too. Improving behavior, improves results, which in turn, improves beliefs. Want more good news? Once we have a handle on our beliefs, the behavioral aspect is the easier fix.
Poor listeners can develop a number of bad habits when it comes to communication. Here are two of the top overarching categories I regularly address with my executive clients.
Behavior #1: Weak Questioning Skills
If we don’t know how to ask good questions, it’s logical that we won’t get very strong answers. When the boss doesn’t get quality input from the team, it furthers his or her belief that they probably are the smartest person in the room.
Another common question faux pas is asking a question designed to lead people to the answer you want them to give. Whether the person being asked this kind of question is an employee, spouse, or someone in between, more often than not, they will easily see through the intent. The resulting answer may be what you want to hear, but it will most likely come with some amount of resentment, at best.
Behavior #2: Dominating the Conversation
When leaders speak quickly and constantly and don’t give others an opportunity to speak, they create an environment where others are likely to check out of the conversation. If you’re not listening… and they’re not listening… you see the problem, here, right?
There are plenty of ways to fall into this behavior category – interrupting, talking over others, rushing others to their points or finishing their thoughts, or keeping the conversation completely one-sided by not allowing others a chance to contribute. Remember, conversations and lectures are two different things. Communication is a two-sided process: receiving and relaying information. Both pieces are essential for communication to work effectively.
Both of these behaviors eliminate the opportunity for listening. Sure, some listening takes place, but typically, when we’re caught in the trap of false beliefs and bad behaviors, we tend to listen to respond rather than listen to understand. This is key. When we listen only to respond, we learn nothing. Assumptions are made and critical information is lost. Meanwhile, resentment builds – likely on multiple sides.
Can you relate to any of these beliefs or behaviors? It’s okay if you do. Remember, these are common challenges; you’re far from alone. Actually, if you’ve recognized yourself in any of this, you should feel pretty good about it. Self-awareness is the first and most essential step toward growth!
In Part III of this series, I will outline specific exercises you can employ to begin transforming your false beliefs and bad behaviors into effective listening skills.
Listen, Learn, Lead! Become a Better Leader Through Better Listening
Listening is one of the most valuable skills anyone can possess. If you want to excel as a leader, the ability to listen well is essential. Unfortunately, listening is also an easy (and common) skill to take for granted.
Listening is one of the most valuable skills anyone can possess. If you want to excel as a leader, the ability to listen well is essential. Unfortunately, listening is also an easy (and common) skill to take for granted.
Listening is easy to mistake as an innate ability. Most of us begin to listen in our infancy. We learn as we grow. Some skills we develop with intention, through mindful study and careful practice; others, we learn without really thinking much about it. We observe and experience our way through life and pick up all kinds of habits, both good and bad, along the way.
Most bad habits are formed unintentionally, over time, usually without our noticing. When it comes to our listening skills, many of us don’t realize that we’re falling short because we’ve failed to notice the bad listening habits we’ve developed. The good news – with a little bit of conscious effort, these bad habits can be fixed. Anyone can become a great listener. Anyone can, and everyone should (especially if you’re in a leadership position).
Listening is critical to understanding. When we don’t listen well, mistakes are made and relationships suffer. On the flip side, those who have mastered the art of listening well know the benefits are many. When we start focusing less on what we think should be said, and paying more attention to what others have to share, we gain all kinds of valuable insights and information. Plus, when people feel heard, they feel valued. Whether employee and boss or husband and wife, this alone improves the dynamic of relationships.
Below are a few actionable ways you can start improving your listening skills today.
Note: These are great communication exercises that anyone can put into practice, but as with just about any area of personal development, if you really want to see lasting change, self-awareness is key. It is important to start at the beginning.
Before you go further, if you haven’t yet read the first two blogs in this series, Part I: The Real Reason Leaders Don’t Listen, and Part II: C-Level Listening: The Beliefs and Behaviors That Make Executives Bad Listeners, I recommend you pause here and give those a read first.
Getting to the source of the problem takes more work, but if you want your efforts to pay off, it’s work worth doing. It’s quick and easy cut down unwanted weeds at the stem, but if you don’t dig them out at the root, eventually, they’re going to grow back.
Talk Less, Listen More
You can’t listen if you don’t allow others an opportunity to be heard. You may pride yourself on being articulate and have a masterful vocabulary, but if you don’t know when to close your mouth and open your ears, information is getting lost. If you tend to be particularly long-winded or are known for dominating conversations, the greater the likelihood that the people with whom (or AT whom) you are speaking are not listening to you as well as you might like either. This is not effective communication.
Practice speaking less and offering others the chance to speak more. A great way to do this is to apply the 30-second rule: don’t speak for longer than 30 seconds at a time.
Stick to this rule whether you’re in a one-on-one conversation or meeting with a group. Work on keeping your talking points as succinct as possible. Even if there’s more to be said, make a point to pause every 30 seconds to allow others to interject. Encourage participation, dialog, and feedback. For longer, more in-depth messages or presentations, try pausing to ask, “Is this making sense?” or “Do you understand?”
Also note - limiting your speaking to shorter intervals doesn’t mean cramming more thoughts into less time. In addition to speaking less, make an effort to speak more slowly. If you want your message to be received, make it easier for your listeners to digest what you have to say.
Ask Quality Questions
Listening is about focusing less on what you think people need to know and more on what you can learn from people. Want to create more listening opportunities? Ask for them.
Asking questions is a great way to show people you’re interested in them – in who they are, in their feelings, needs, input, and ideas. When leading employees, listening and asking questions allows them to come up with their own ideas. This is empowering. When people are able to able to contribute their own ideas, they’re more likely to be excited and passionate about their work, which tends to inspire more dedication and better productivity than when people are simply told what to do. But not all questions are created equal. You need to ask the right questions – the kinds of questions that inspire authentic and thoughtful responses, not lead someone to the responses you want them to give.
Questions should inspire thinking and foster understanding. Ask ‘open questions’ that require more than a simple “yes” or “no” answer. Also, be mindful of phrasing, word choice, and tone when crafting your questions. Questions like, “Why did you do that?” can come across as accusatory and put people on the defensive. Try to keep things positive and encouraging. Instead of using “Why” questions, try using more “How” or “What” questions, like: “How would you approach this?” or “What are your ideas?”
Here are a few more great questions leaders can ask their teams:
What are your challenges?
What can we do / how can we solve…?
What do you think about…? or How do you feel about…?
What do you need from me in order to accomplish… ?
How can I make your job / this project easier?
Questions are also a great way to get your customers talking, too. Next time you meet with a client or prospect, focus less on telling them what you think they should hear; instead try asking strategic questions to learn how to better meet their needs or discover exactly what you need to do or say to close the deal.
Listen Actively
The ability to get others to open up and share is an invaluable skill, but if you don’t know how to listen once they do, you’re wasting everybody’s time (and probably reducing your chances of that person opening up again in the future).
Active listening, or conscious listening, is about listening to understand, not listening to respond. To listen actively you need to give the speaker your full attention. Stop what you’re doing and fully engage. Put down the phone, close the laptop, and stop glancing at this month’s sales report. (I promise, the world won’t end if you look away for a few minutes.) When you focus in this way, you gain more from the interaction yourself, and at the same time, you communicate to the speaker that he or she and what they have to say matters.
Some Dos and Don’ts of Active Listening:
DO focus on the speaker. Give your full attention.
DO use body language to let the speaker know that you’re interested in what they have to say. Straighten up, face the speaker, and maintain eye contact.
DO show that you’re listening with feedback like head nodding, facial expressions, and brief verbal responses like, “Right,” or “I see.”
DON’T jump to conclusions. Don’t mentally skip ahead to what you think is coming next.
DON’T interrupt or attempt to cut off or the speaker.
DO offer appropriate responses to let the speaker know that you empathize - “That must have been a challenge.”
DO make an effort to verify that you are correctly interpreting what the speaker is trying to say. When it’s your turn to speak, repeat the speaker’s message in your own words – “What I hear you saying is…”
DO ask questions if you’re not clear on the intended message or if you’d like to speaker to elaborate further.
DO offer related thoughts or opinions but DON’T hijack the conversation.
Practice applying these new listening behaviors in all of your interactions, whether communicating with a colleague, a spouse, your children, or meeting someone new. It may take some getting used to (for the people around you, too.) Give it time, but keep practicing. As with any exercise routine, if you keep at it, you will get stronger. New habits will begin to form and you will start to see the benefits.