The Woman Smarter than Steve Jobs
If you set out today to build a smartphone, you wouldn’t copy the original iPhone version 1.0 from 2007, would you? Why, then, do so many leaders try to emulate the Steve Jobs version 1.0 that was popularized in the Walter Isaacson's bestselling biography?
What if the Steve Jobs who fired people in elevators wasn't the one who created the iPhone?
Ed Catmull, President of Pixar, worked withe Steve Jobs longer than anyone else. He had a 25-year professional relationship with Steve that began after the abrasive “version 1.0” Steve Jobs was fired from Apple in 1985. According to Ed, Steve Jobs changed a lot over the years, due in large part to one woman.
In his book, Creativity Inc., Ed put it this way:
“In the time I worked with Steve [after he was fired from Apple]…he became fairer and wiser, and his understanding of partnership deepened—in large part because of his marriage to Laurene.”
The woman smarter than Steve Jobs was his wife, Laurene.
Laurene was the chief developer behind Steve Jobs version 2.0, adding a key “must have” feature that the previous version of him lacked. What was that key feature?
Emotional intelligence.
Laurene Powell Jobs was the emotional genius yin to Steve's technical genius yang.
In 1997, six years after he married Laurene, Steve Jobs version 2.0 rejoined Apple, and it was Steve Jobs 2.0 who transformed Apple into the world’s most valuable tech company by 2010.
Sometimes, CEO coaching benefits the CEO's spouse nearly as much as it benefits their business.
Often, when CEOs come to me for coaching, I find it was their spouse or significant other who suggested it. Even though these CEOs are brilliant and talented, they sometimes lack the emotional intelligence to see the need.
I can relate.
I was the same way for many years.
As an analytical software developer myself, it took me a long time to develop emotional intelligence. Even though I’d read the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman in 1997, I didn’t fully understand what it was trying to say until nearly twenty years later. Through my experiences as a CEO, I finally realized that it’s about being in tune with other people.
I work with CEOs of companies that employ lots of engineers, software developers, and other analytical personalities, so I see this struggle a lot. I call these types "Emotional Einsteins", which refers to a person who is emotionally unavailable and overly analytical in their approach to relationships—a type of person that is very common in industries like technology, construction and finance.
Steve Jobs in his early professional life may well have been a quintessential Emotional Einstein, but he changed. I doubt Jobs intended to be dismissive and brusque in the early years of his career. Based on my personal experience, and my coaching work with numerous CEOs, I would guess that Steve Jobs had no idea how he came across. He probably thought of himself as a fair boss, a decent leader that everyone loved.
His wife, Laurene, was able to help him see aspects of himself that he’d overlooked, and, as a result, he grew as a person and became a much more effective leader.
How Logical Leaders Learn Emotional Intelligence
So how can an Emotional Einstein develop emotional intelligence? I believe one key to emotional intelligence is being able to describe the emotions you’re feeling at any given moment. When I was in marriage counseling, the therapist would ask me, “What are you feeling right now?” Many times, I couldn’t answer. I was incapable of identifying the specific emotion I was experiencing. I had broad, categorical words for emotion, but I had to learn a more specific, nuanced language.
Learning a vocabulary to describe my feelings was a big part of my personal growth.
Being able to describe our feelings precisely enables us to communicate better, but it also helps us understand other people. If you can’t identify sadness or disappointment in yourself, it will be harder to recognize it in others.
I used to block my own emotions. “I don’t feel stress. I don’t feel anger. I don’t feel hurt.” In the past, people have said hurtful things to me and then expressed amazement that I didn’t react.
“Dude, are you impervious to being hurt?”
If this sounds good to you, it isn’t. It’s destructive and dangerous, but we’ve built up an image of the powerful CEO who can withstand any criticism or negative feedback without flinching. When we create these tough outer shells, we insulate ourselves from basic human emotions and lose the ability to understand how our words and actions affect others.
What is the Primary Emotion?
Many psychologists say anger is a secondary emotion that emerges from other primary emotions. The most common sources of anger are fear, hurt, and sadness.
When a boss gets mad at an employee for failing to follow instructions, I believe another emotion lies at the root. That boss might approach the employee and say, “I’m pissed off that you dropped the ball on this proposal. It was supposed to go to our biggest customer!” The employee responds in fear—cowering, making excuses, or just disconnecting from the leader because they expect to be fired. This is not healthy motivation.
Imagine an alternative.
What if the boss was able to reflect on his feelings and realize, “My anger comes from fear. I’m afraid that if we lose our biggest client, I’ll have to make company layoffs?” Or maybe the boss would realize, “I’m afraid we’ll fail to meet our objectives, and I will look bad to all of my employees because I won’t be able to give any raises.” This is a valid fear, especially in a small company. A cash-flow crunch can make it hard for a small company to make payroll.
When you’re afraid for your company, your employees, or yourself, it often manifests as anger toward the people under you, but if you understand the core emotion, you can deal with it differently.
Instead of lashing out at the employee who let you down, you might tell the deeper truth. “Look, the truth is, I’m afraid. We needed that proposal to go through, so we can afford some of the investments we’re making for growth.”
Instead of cowering, disconnecting, or getting defensive, the employee will feel connected to you. You should want your team members to feel connected to you, and you should want to feel connected to them. Honest emotion creates those connections.
I’ll be writing more in the future about how logical leaders learn emotional intelligence, so subscribe to get updates.
Tags: Insider, ceo coach, leadership, emotional intellingence, employee engagement, executive coach
