How Leaders Can Learn to Overcome Their Fear of Being Emotional

The demands of a leader’s life leave little room for emotion. In fact, studies show that those on the highest rungs of the corporate ladder are less likely to be emotionally empathetic. However, studies also show that lack of empathy disconnects employees and leaders.

Before we blame leaders for being closed-off and self-serving, we should consider the circumstance.

Leadership can be lonely. The phenomenon of “emotional perfectionism” is rife. Leaders are taught to believe that their emotions have no place at work, that showing emotion is a sign of weakness. A leader’s responsibility means having to absorb stress to protect the team, but mastering this skill too well means you’ll find yourself at an emotional distance from your colleagues.

The Importance of Emotional Communication

When employees are able to see their leaders as emotional, fallible human beings, they learn how to show emotion themselves. They feel comfortable expressing vulnerability and talking about fear. This, in turn, brings about more creative and productive work sessions and tighter workplace bonds.

Let’s face it: The competition for top talent is tough. And it’s not the company with the biggest bonuses or the most customers that will tempt your employees away. Rather, the company with the best culture seems the most appealing. Over 60% of employees would quit their jobs if they felt underappreciated.

There’s a difference between employee engagement and employee connection. Employees can feel totally motivated and inspired by the content of their jobs, but if they don’t feel connected to the team, to the company, or to you as a leader, they might respond to that sweet-talking recruiter’s email.

To keep employees feeling connected, leaders must learn the difference between emotion as weakness and emotion as humanity. They must be able to reform the narrative they’ve internalized and express themselves through emotional communication.

How to Become Better at Communicating Your Emotions

Leaders who have become scared of showing emotions need practical ways of honing their emotive communication styles for the sake of their employees and the future of their workplaces.

1. Reframe thoughts as feelings.

In modern English, we use “I feel” to cover all manner of statements: “I feel like I got hit by a bus.” “I feel like you did that on purpose.” These are thoughts dressed up as feelings and can fool us into thinking we’re practicing emotional communication.

In other languages, “to feel” is very different from “to think.” To truly practice showing emotion, make a Talk SHIFT. Find the real feeling behind what you’re about to say. For example, you might want to say, “I feel like you did that on purpose.” However, the emotion underlying that statement might actually be sadness. Instead say, “I feel sad because I thought you did that on purpose.”

This may be difficult to accomplish in a corporate setting. But if you can practice pinpointing how you really feel, you’ll meet employees on humbler footing.

2. Let go of judgment.

When leaders are first practicing showing emotion, they often confuse feeling and judgment. Instead of saying, “I feel sad,” they say, “I feel betrayed.” This word may sound like a real feeling, but it actually directs the statement back at the listener in an accusatory way. It implies that you said, “You betrayed me.”

These false feelings — betrayal, frustration, disappointment — can be unhelpful in a workplace setting. Instead, fall back on straightforward feelings: sadness, anger, shame, loneliness. If your feeling ends in “-ed,” evaluate whether it’s real.

3. Focus on employee connection.

We spend so much time thinking and talking about engagement. It’s how we measure both our employees and our clients. But this marker of happiness can be misleading. Instead, focus on building connections with individual employees in which you challenge each other to share your true feelings.

This level of shared vulnerability will feel new and scary at first, but it will work wonders to bond your team members. Give your team reasons to ignore those recruiter messages.

The learning curve is steep for leaders learning how to show emotion: They’ve often spent their whole careers fearing that their emotions wouldn’t earn them respect. But once you recognize how emotions affect communication and how employees respond to witnessing your humanity, you’ll soon wonder how you ever got by without making these Talk SHIFTs.

If you haven’t already, take my free Talk SHIFT Assessment to measure the impact of your words. After you take it, I’ll give you pointed advice on how to improve!

Bon courage!

Share this article on social media and subscribe to get blog updates below.